Spooktacular Soulmate Quiz
Potential Matches
El Cadejos
Where: Costa Rica
What Wiki Says: The Cadejos is a big, black, dog-like creature, with shiny eyes, who drag chains and appears to drunkards and bad people in lonely places to spook and warn them to change their behavior. The Cadejos is not violent and never attacks, but if you hear chains during the night, you better think twice about your actions!
What EJ Read: So a blinged-out dog is going to attack me with sweet puppy face guilt while I’m drunk and I don’t even get to pet it?!! Now that’s just cruel.
Note to Self: Even fashionable doggos don’t want any drunk BS.
Kuchisake-onna
(The Slit Mouthed Woman)
Where: Japan
What Wiki Says: The Slit Mouthed Woman is a malevolent figure in Japanese urban legends and folklore. Described as the malicious spirit, or onryō, of a woman, she partially covers her face with a mask or other item and carries some sort of sharp object. She is most often described as having long, straight, black hair, being pale, and otherwise looking conventionally “beautiful”, at least while she has her mask on. According to popular legend, she asks potential victims if they think she is beautiful. If they respond with "no", she will kill them with her long medical scissors. If they say "yes", she will reveal that the corners of her mouth are slit from ear to ear, and she will then repeat her question. If the individual responds with "no", she will kill them with her weapon, and if they say "yes", she will cut the corners of their mouth in such a way that resembles her own disfigurement. Methods that can be used to survive an encounter with Kuchisake-onna include answering her question by describing her appearance as "average", or by distracting her with money or hard candies. You cannot simply run away from her, as she has been said to be supernaturally fast.
What EJ Read: Some hot lady is gonna come at you with some scissors if you do or don’t validate her appearance.
Note to self: This lady needs feminism.
La Llorona
Where: Mexico
What Wiki Says: This once beautiful young woman was carrying her lover’s child, but after birth while cleaning the boy, she accidentally drowned him. Her lover left her after that, and now she’s doomed to be a suffering soul, forever mourning her lost son. You can hear her cry near rivers and waterfalls, and if she appears, often to lone men or jealous to kids or families, wearing a white dress and weeping loudly, the victim runs in terror, but she doesn’t harm them.
What EJ Read: Lover leaves partner in the throes of grief after a horrifying accident, needs tissues, therapy, and a hug.
Note to Self: Work on setting boundaries with ghosts, spirits, demons, and monsters. Your feelings are important too E, you must empty the cup to be able to refill it. Sigh.
The Wendigo
Where: Great Plains, United States
What Wiki Says: The wendigo is often said to be a malevolent spirit, sometimes depicted as a creature with human-like characteristics, which possesses human beings. The wendigo is known to invoke feelings of insatiable greed/hunger, the desire to cannibalize other humans, as well as the propensity to commit murder in those that fall under its influence. The Wendigo was gaunt to the point of emaciation, its desiccated skin pulled tightly over its bones. With its bones pushing out against its skin, its complexion the ash-gray of death, and its eyes pushed back deep into their sockets, the Wendigo looked like a gaunt skeleton recently disinterred from the grave. What lips it had were tattered and bloody. Unclean and suffering from suppuration of the flesh, the Wendigo gave off a strange and eerie odor of decay and decomposition, of death and corruption.
What EJ Read: Nasty spirit in the throes of some serious hangries; carry Snick-Snacks or be ready for murder and light cannibalism.
Note to self: Best to read all terrifying things in Werner Herzog’s voice.
La Mona/Mica/Micomalo
Where: Guanacaste and Puntarenas, Costa Rica
What Wiki Says: In the forests, small towns, and lonely roads of Costa Rica (Guanacaste and Puntarenas), this demonic monkey-like beast swings between the trees and roofs, making noises and pulling shenanigans to the townsfolk. It’s very clever and mischievous, its hands leave burn-like prints and its shrieking scream can be heard through the night.
What EJ Read: A hot-handed monkey beast is gonna scream outside your window all night and the cops won’t do a darn thing about it.
Note to Self: Acquire noise machine, earplugs, headphones, and BB gun… as a last-ditch effort, maybe an old priest and a young priest.
Each-uiseg
(The Scottish Murderhorse)
Where: Scotland
What Wiki Says: The Each-uisge, a supernatural water horse found in the Scottish Highlands, has been described as "perhaps the fiercest and most dangerous of all the water-horses" by the folklorist Katharine Briggs. Often mistaken for the kelpie (which inhabits streams and rivers), the Each-uisge lives in the sea, sea lochs, and freshwater loch. The Each-uisge is a shape-shifter, disguising itself as a fine horse, pony, a handsome man or an enormous bird such as a Boobrie. If, while in horse form, a man mounts it, he is only safe as long as the Each-uisge is ridden in the interior of the land. However, the merest glimpse or smell of water means the beginning of the end for the rider, for the Each-uisge's skin becomes adhesive and the creature immediately goes to the deepest part of the loch with its victim. After the victim has drowned, the Each-uisge tears him apart and devours the entire body except for the liver, which floats to the surface.
What EJ Read: A super sexy horse/pony/man/enormous bird (?) is gonna con you into a ride and be hella sticky and maybe drown and eat all of you but your liver, which probably tastes like soju and Rainier anyway so whateves.
Note to self: THE MOST DANGEROUS OF ALL WATER HORSES is gonna take you out! Pack hair gel and self-esteem.
La Tulevieja
Where: Costa Rica
What Wiki Says: With a trail of ants following her steps, this old, dirty, half-woman half-bird hag wanders the roads, sneaking into the coops to eat feces and living chickens. She scares kids while they play in the river, her pointy hat made from tule is what gives her the name, and her bloated, wrinkled breasts force her to hunch and drag them through the dirty road.
What EJ Read: My retirement plan.
Note to Self: Get it together or else you’re looking at your future.
Nuckelavee
Where: Orkney Islands
What Wiki Says: The Nuckelavee has a man's torso attached to a horse's back as if it were a rider. The male torso has no legs, but its arms can reach the ground from its position on top of the equine body, the legs of which have fin-like appendages. The torso has a large head – possibly as much as 3 feet (90 centimeters) in diameter – that rolls back and forth. The monster as described by Tammas has two heads; the equine head has an enormous gaping mouth that exudes a smelly toxic vapor, and a single giant eye like a burning red flame. A particularly gruesome detail is that the Nuckelavee has no skin; black blood courses through yellow veins, and the pale sinews and powerful muscles are visible as a pulsating mass. The Nuckelavee's breath was thought to wilt crops and sicken livestock, and it was considered responsible for epidemics and drought.
What EJ Read: An absolute mess of human limbs attached to a horse-type situation with at least one massive head, terrible breath, and no skin is going to come out of the water and melt your face and crops. All of your crops!
Note to Self: Equine… adjacent halitosis is an untapped market, work on an elevator pitch for medicated carrots, acquire rights to Mr. Ed theme.
La Carreta sin Bueyes
(The cart without oxen)
Where: Costa Rica
What Wiki Days: This spectrum roams the streets of the city at night, announcing miseries to those greedy and insatiable. Seeing this cart moving without any animal pulling it or human driving it is a sign of a bad omen, but also a warning to seek the good path and change their greedy behavior.
What EJ Read: Suspicious cart rudely announces your miseries to the world, like it’s never been drunk at 2 AM after a breakup.
Note to Self: Pitch cart bit to Scooby-Doo writers. The cart was Old Man Withers the whole time!
The Penanggalan
Where: Malaysia
What Wiki Says: “The pĕnanggalan was once a woman; she used the magic arts of a demon whom she trusted by devoting herself to his service day and night for an agreed term, after which she was able to fly; that is to say her head and neck could fly when loosened from her body with the viscera depending from them, while the body remained behind; wherever the person whom she wished to injure might live, thither flew her head and bowels to suck his blood."
What EJ Read: Witch who excels in demon management takes bath bombs to next level, gets so relaxed entire head and internal organs slip out the ole neck door for a night of murdering.
Note to self: Look for trusted demon friends on the dark web… also LinkedIn.
Also, note to self: Thither is a good word.
La Segua/Cegua
Where: Central America
What Wiki Says: This beautiful woman walks at night through lonely roads, peacefully, until a gallant or flirting man approaches her with dubious intentions. That’s when her face morphs into a rotten horse skull, with crooked teeth and gleaming, orbiting eyes. The Segua can kill with a kiss, or bite the victim in the cheek to mark them as lusty, adulterous men. She won’t harm you if you’re respectful and good at heart.
What EJ Read: Hot lady who takes nothing for no one isn’t going to let some letch neg her into a booty call. She’s a woman who wears her rotting horse face with pride!
Note to Self: Hook this lady up with the slit-mouthed woman. Also, find out what shade of lipstick she wears.
The Snallygaster
Where: Maryland & Washington DC, USA
What Wiki Says: Newspaper accounts throughout February and March 1909 describe encounters between local residents and a beast with "enormous wings, a long pointed bill, claws like steel hooks, and an eye in the center of its forehead." It was described as making screeches "like a locomotive whistle." A great deal of publicity surrounded this string of appearances, with the Smithsonian Institution offering a reward for the hide. U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt reportedly considered postponing an African safari to personally hunt the beast.
What EJ Read: That bird from the Ray Harryhausen Clash of the Titans apparently wasn’t endangered enough for a presidential murder party.
Note to Self: Find out if the Smithsonian is still offering that reward… want to know why I’m funding the murder of a giant, kick ass bird when we obviously need him to take us to Calibos!
El Sisimiqui
Where: Costa Rica
What Wiki Says: Inverted feet and thick body hair describe this tall ogre with a monkey body and a human head. During wedding days you can hear branches breaking as the “pum, pum, pum” of his walking shakes the earth.
What EJ Read: This monster needs Dr. Scholls and deep conditioner if it’s gonna make its ex jealous at Carla’s wedding.
Note to Self: Get Dr. Scholls and deep conditioner… for a friend.
Fachan
Where: Scotland
What Wiki Says: He held a very thick iron flail-club in his skinny hand, and twenty chains out of it, and fifty apples on each chain of them, and a venomous spell on each great apple of them, and a girdle of the skins of deer and roebuck around the thing that was his body, and one eye in the forehead of his black-faced countenance, and one bare, hard, very hairy hand coming out of his chest, and one veiny, thick-soled leg supporting him and a close, firm, dark blue mantle of twisted hard-thick feathers, protecting his body, and surely he was more like unto devil than to man.
What EJ Read: Third cousin to flying purple people eater and former in-law to the Wicked Queen badly in need of Queer Eye makeover to become its best self.
Note to Self: Get a Mani/Pedi.
El Diablo Chingo
Where: Guanacaste, Costa Rica
What Wiki Says: This giant, tailless, black bull roams the lands of Guanacaste, lurking with big red eyes like burning wood and huge horns. It can’t be lasso or mounted, and those who have tried disappeared. Every Holy Friday, near Orosí Volcano, you can see its shadow running against the Sun.
What EJ Read: Huge bull has obviously lost its phone, gets snippy and won’t ask for help, goes home frustrated.
Note to Self: Don’t set up with Bonnacon, it’s entirely too sensitive and this guy clearly needs a scream pillow.
Bonnacon
Where: Macedonia
What Wiki Says: The first known description of the bonnacon comes from Pliny the Elder's Naturalis Historia: There are reports of a wild animal in Paeonia called the bonasus, which has the mane of a horse, but in all other respects resembles a bull; its horns are curved back in such a manner as to be of no use for fighting, and it is said that because of this it saves itself by running away, meanwhile emitting a trail of dung that sometimes covers a distance of as much as three furlongs (604 m), contact with which scorches pursuers like a sort of fire.
What EJ Read: Cowardly bull with the hair of an 80s glam rocker and the IBS of a Taco Bell employee.
Note to Self: See image.
Nuppeppō
Where: Japan
What Wiki Says: The nuppeppō appears as a blob of flesh with a hint of a face in the folds of fat. Though largely amorphous, fingers, toes, and even rudimentary limbs may be attributed as features amidst the fold of skin. The origins of the nuppeppō are unknown. However, it is sometimes described as constructed of the flesh of dead humans in a manner similar to Frankenstein's monster. The nuppeppō is passive and almost entirely harmless, but it has a repulsive body odor that is said to rival that smell of rotting flesh. Those who eat the flesh of a nuppeppō are described as being granted eternal youth.”
What EJ Read: Rancid flesh blob with melty face features seeks soul-meat with no sense of smell.
Note to Self: I’ve seen Death Becomes Her entirely too many times to fall for the eternal youth trap, thank you very much.
Drop Bear
(Thylarctos plummetus)
Where: Australia
What Wiki Says: The drop bear, assigned the fictional scientific name Thylarctos plummetus, is a hoax in contemporary Australian folklore featuring a predatory, carnivorous version of the koala (Phascolarctos cinereus). This imaginary animal is commonly spoken about in tall tales designed to scare tourists. While koalas are typically docile herbivores (and are not bears), drop bears are described as unusually large and vicious marsupials that inhabit treetops and attack unsuspecting people (or other prey) that walk beneath them by dropping onto their heads from above.”
What EJ Read: Giant not-bear just wants to surprise cuddle.
Note to Self: “These tales are often accompanied by advice that the hearer adopt various tactics purported to deter drop bear attacks—including placing forks in the hair, having Vegemite or toothpaste spread behind the ears or in the armpits, urinating on oneself, and only speaking English in an Australian accent.”
Also Note to Self: Give it up to Australia for knowing how to mess with tourists.