Rotten Reviews
Can’t decide what to watch? Don’t panic, Marcy! We’ve got you covered.
Our resident cinephile and masochist, EJ Klein, has sat through hours of haunting horror flicks to give you the inside scoop on what to watch this season.
Ghost Rider
4 out of 5 boos
Johnny Blaze makes a deal with a demon to save his father's life, but we all know via Stephen King lore that that works out about as well as a pyramid scheme. But this 1 hour 50 minute educational video on supernatural contract law has more to offer than just than just confirmation that Nicolas Cage should fire his wig guy, it teaches us some important life lessons. Dare Devils are cool and Sam Elliott fucks.
Orphan
3 out of 5 boos
This film follows Esther's adoption into an idealistic American family. Unfortunately, she's got murderous plans and a secret that you all probably know about by now. All I really got out of this film is that adoption is a terrible process. They really need to do better background checks
The People Under the Stairs
2 out of 5 boos
Fool is talked into robbing the creepiest house in the neighborhood. Why, of all places, would they rob that house? Seriously, it probably smelled bad from a block away and the sounds of trapped children could not have gone unnoticed. Anyway, with the house prices still at an all time high, I would still consider buying this house. It has vaulted ceilings and more than one bathroom.
Phantasm III: Lord of the Dead
5 out of 5 booz
I watched this as a child on USA Up All Night in the 90's. They only really showed cheesy horror or softcore porn or a mix of those two genres. This was one of those mixes and it does not disappoint. The silver murder balls are more diabolical, the deaths are bloodier and I'm pretty sure the Tall Man got slightly taller
Pay the Ghost
3 out of 5 boos
Nic Cage plays a workaholic professor who loses his son to a child collecting ghost witch who was burned at the stake 300 years ago. There’s also a blind man who can totally see, a ridiculous psychic plot device, and a helpful tornado of child souls. While this movie was prescriptive as hell it did confirm what I have long suspected - Nic Cage cannot be trusted with children at a carnival and even ghost birds are assholes.
Into the Dark: School Spirit
2 out of 5 boos
A group of wayward teens in detention get systematically murdered in this tragedy of an afterschool special that I sincerely thought was going to be about a pirate ghost, but was actually about academic and community integrity. If you’re into serial murder committed by a person in a tricorn cap who apparently loves K-ci and JoJo, this is the movie for you.
Personal Shopper
5 out of 5 boos
Kristen Stewert spends an hour and forty five minutes texting a ghost.
Field of Dreams
4 out of 5 boos
This is an Academy Award nominated movie about a farmer who starts hearing a voice telling him to build a baseball field so he can hang out with old dead guys. This is not a movie about a person in a serious state of mental health distress and the failure of the 1989 healthcare system to prevent him from destroying his livelihood. Just watch Signs, it’s more plausible.
The Ring
0 out of 5 boos
Nope.
Casper
3 out of 5 boos
The Best President Ever and Wednesday Adams move into the Backstreet Boys’ Gaudi mansion and get personal with the living impaired. For 90s reasons treasure and teen bullying are involved. Casper’s ability to travel through phone lines totally validates the plot of Personal Shopper though, so there’s that